Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Piercing the Corporate Ear

"Piercing the corporate veil" is a legal term of art. The formal definition is disregarding the corporate entity. That sounds very complex and probably something that most of us wouldn't really want to involve ourselves in.

How about getting your ears pierced? Seems simple, right? A lot of people do it when they are 8 or 12, and really have no bad memories about it. Oddly enough, I'd never had my ears pierced. So, I decided, a the ripe age of 33, that I would do it. My friend went with me to the mall, got it done, everything went great.

Until. Until it was time to take them out and start wearing real earrings. Now let me assure you, I was vigilant in my application of the alcohol solution and turning the earrings. I did all the right things.

I take out the earrings. Left ear okay, right one not. Swollen, red, not good. I go back to the ear piercing place. Well, it's infected. Let it heal (for 3 months!) and start over. I'm very upset. I was having a particularly bad day and just added "unable to get ears pierced like most other humans" to my list of failures.

My husband has the ingenious idea that while the right one is healing, I can sleep with something in my left one at night. That way, when re-piercing time comes, I'll only have to do the right one. This seems very smart. Why re-do them both? So, I sleep with one earring in every night. Sometimes I forgot to take it out and leave the house like this. Like a pirate.

3 months pass. I go to the mall, all elated to try again on round 2. I get there and the lady patiently explains to me that not letting the other one heal was a huge mistake. Because of the infection and scar tissue left in the right ear, they will have to pierce it a little further back. So if I go ahead and do it, my holes will not be symmetrical. Her advice, "now let the left one heal for 6 months" and start from scratch with both ears.

I'm devastated. The first set back was enough, now this! I have actual cute earrings just waiting in my jewelry box to be worn! So, I leave the mall defeated. I take out all earrings and decided to just do nothing with them for a while. Maybe I'll try again in a year or so and hopefully they have both healed enough. It's very depressing.

Believe me, it is not lost on me that parents with (in my opinion) questionable judgment pierce the ears of their infants and they are able to do it. Infants one, me zero.

Monday, March 22, 2010


I like men to look and act like men. The straight ones, that is. There, I said it. I don't want them getting pedicures, or highlights or anything like that. In fact, I think the fanciest sort of hair place a man should go to should be great clips or super cuts, and actually they should really go to a barber. This is my personal opinion, and I think it would cut down a lot of confusion.

I had a co-worker who, unknown to me, was a total metrosexual. I ASSumed he was gay. I'm telling you, you would have too. He had perfectly highlighted hair (I was actually jealous of his hair color!), really stylish square toe Kenneth Cole shoes (do most straight men even know these kinds of shoes exist, let alone where to procure them??), manicured hands, stylish glasses, etc. It did not cross my mind that he could possibly be straight.

We also both loved to cook and would share recipes. I don't mean recipes like "here's my mom's chili". I mean fancy things, crudites, for goodness sakes, crudites!!

So I was working in this guy's building for some time, and would occasionally drop by his desk, chat, probably lean over on him while pointing to the computer screen pretty inappropriately come to think of it (again, thought he was gay).

One day I noticed a picture of him & a woman as his desktop wallpaper. "Who is that, your sister?", I innocently asked. "No, that's my girlfriend". Your WHAT now? Your GIRLFRIEND. It could not be possible. I stammered on, "Like your close friend that is a girl, like 'hey, girlfriend'?". "No" he looks at me, puzzled, "my actual girlfriend".

I wondered off in amazement. So, ladies, be careful. Do not assume that good hair, stylish accessories, and a love for Martha Stewart means that you've found a fun new friend. It could be a straight guy, in designer clothing.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Mr. Sandman....

Bring me a dream, a nightmare, anything! If insomnia were a club, I would be a lifer. I can remember at the tender age of 11, getting my dad's flashlight and dragging my book into my closet to read at all hours of the night because I could not sleep. My husband, and anyone who has ever shared a room with me, can attest to my woes.

I have tried all manner of sleep aids. Meditation, medication (both natural and the hard stuff), cutting out caffeine, altering my sleep schedule. You name it, I've tried it. All of it works sometimes, but none of it works all the time. As a result, I just don't sleep much. I do have a prescription that works really well, but I have also "sleep eaten" while on it. Ate a whole container of pasta salad one night, do not remember it at all. My friends and family act so concerned over this, "wow, you should really not take that anymore, that is totally scary". Scary?? I think it's awesome, because I slept for a whole 7 hours, 8 if you count the pasta salad eating. That is how desperate I am.

When you can't sleep, it does become this elusive thing you are chasing. You really do believe if only you could sleep, you would be this whole other person, who is way better.

I am not sure what the cause of my insomnia is, but I will say I worry a lot while not sleeping. During the day, most would call me very calm. I am a really simple person. When I am doing the dishes, I really am thinking about the dishes. I hate multi-tasking and am not good at it (shout out to all of the working moms out there, I don't know how you do it!!). However, when night falls, I worry a lot. Then I wake up and think about it and seems like insane stuff to worry over.

The other night I worried for a good 20 minutes about coral colored pants. Cute and refreshing or just weird? Then it's ACC season. I worry over this a lot, it's kind of like the prom to me. What if uva beats boston college, and then state beats clemson??? What will happen to my brackets?? Have I made the right assortment of dips for the final four party? It's much like worrying over which boy will call you and what dress you will wear to the "big dance".

I had a strategy of keeping a "panic notebook" by my bed, so as these worries came up, I could simply jot them down. This is what was on my list:

-Call mom (but about what?? I called her the next day and she had no idea why I was calling her, nor did I)

-Check to see if other women at the gym have cellulite on their upper arms. If they don't, check into lotions.

Clearly, this didn't help. I will say the only upside to insomnia is you do get this whole little world with a whole little pocket of time that feels sneaky. While everyone else is sleeping, you are catching up on bad reality tv, or reading, or eating things straight from the container.

It is my fate, so play on, you crazy housewives of all varieties on bravo; lose weight, you biggest losers; and by all means, keep throwing ridiculous birthday parties, you sweet-sixteeners!

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Dinner for 2

As I've said before, calories consumed while on a road trip do not count. No one sees them, no one knows. This applies whether eating fast food in your car, or very often with room service.

Probably my most embarrassing display was on a trip to Greenville, SC. One of my favorite hotels is there, and a very fabulous restaurant delivers to the hotel. I rolled into town very late and upon check in asked "does that great restaurant still deliver here?". Yes, the desk clerk informed me, but only for 10 more minutes. I grabbed a menu and ran frantically up to my room, knowing that I could not allow myself to miss out.

In my haste to order, I did not look at the menu closely. I ordered what I believed to be a side salad, which as it turned out was an entree salad with steak on it. I also ordered a main course. Not realizing that the entree came with a baked potato, I ordered a side of mashed potato. Then there was desert. Cheesecake of the day. Let's be honest, I was going to order it no matter what it was, but I did ask. Fried pumpkin cheesecake with bananas fosters on top. What?? You had me at fried pumpkin.

So, I basically just ran visually down the menu: salads, entrees, sides, desert and got one of everything. Not quite realizing exactly what I had actually ordered until I hung up the phone. Hmmm...I realized pretty quickly that I had ordered a lot of food for one person.

Worry not, I had a plan! When the room service knock came, I had the shower turned on (as if someone were in it). "Don't worry!", I yelled to my imaginary room mate, "I'll sign for the food". I said it really loudly, so that the person delivering the food could hear it.

Sure enough, I was not being paranoid. The room service arrived with two sets of silverware and two glasses of water. It was clear to them that one reasonable person could not consume that amount of food. But you know what, I ate most of it. I did not share it with my imaginary friend in the shower.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Oh Baby-Part 2

A lot of people have an "over share" effect on others. Maybe people just tell you things and you don't really know why. Sometimes people come up to you in Target and ask you where something is, as if you work there. And sometimes, like me, people over share with you, because you yourself also have a tendency to over share. You find yourself constantly giving out information that is not necessary, and you have no ability to stop it. This is something that happens to me all the time (both the giving and receiving of unnecessary information).

Probably one of my favorite experiences was being at one of my customer's offices when one of the staff members had just found out (just found out as in 5 minutes before our meeting) that she was pregnant. She shared it with me, obviously overcome in the moment and having just found out. As it turned out, she was not "trying" and it was somewhat unexpected, but she was very excited.

So of course, being the chatty cathy that I am, we talk about it the first 1/2 of the meeting. Things like "do you hope it's a boy or girl", "have you told your husband yet", "do you have ideas for names", etc.

Then the interesting topic of "if you weren't trying, why did you think you were pregnant" came up. She had gone out and purchased a pregnancy test over lunch, so something must have prompted that, right?

So, she begins going through the details. "I felt tired and just run down, I don't feel like myself,", etc etc. About this time, the hypochondriac in me kicks in. I feel tired and run down this very moment. I haven't felt like "myself" (whatever that means) in years. Oh no, I think, I'm probably pregnant.

I can hold my suspicion in no longer and share it with the group (again, over share on my part). At first we all laugh, ha ha, wouldn't that be crazy, and then real curiosity and concern sets it.

"Wow, what if you are?". I feel pure panic as I consider this possibility. Then the newly pregnant customer offers me one of her pregnancy tests. "I couldn't", I say, but she insists, telling me that she certainly doesn't need it anytime soon.

I go into the bathroom of one of my customers and take a pregnancy test. Thankfully, it was negative, but a very bizarre experience. I came out of the bathroom and said "It's negative", which we celebrate, and then finally start our meeting about an hour late.