Mr. Sandman....

Bring me a dream, a nightmare, anything! If insomnia were a club, I would be a lifer. I can remember at the tender age of 11, getting my dad's flashlight and dragging my book into my closet to read at all hours of the night because I could not sleep. My husband, and anyone who has ever shared a room with me, can attest to my woes.

I have tried all manner of sleep aids. Meditation, medication (both natural and the hard stuff), cutting out caffeine, altering my sleep schedule. You name it, I've tried it. All of it works sometimes, but none of it works all the time. As a result, I just don't sleep much. I do have a prescription that works really well, but I have also "sleep eaten" while on it. Ate a whole container of pasta salad one night, do not remember it at all. My friends and family act so concerned over this, "wow, you should really not take that anymore, that is totally scary". Scary?? I think it's awesome, because I slept for a whole 7 hours, 8 if you count the pasta salad eating. That is how desperate I am.

When you can't sleep, it does become this elusive thing you are chasing. You really do believe if only you could sleep, you would be this whole other person, who is way better.

I am not sure what the cause of my insomnia is, but I will say I worry a lot while not sleeping. During the day, most would call me very calm. I am a really simple person. When I am doing the dishes, I really am thinking about the dishes. I hate multi-tasking and am not good at it (shout out to all of the working moms out there, I don't know how you do it!!). However, when night falls, I worry a lot. Then I wake up and think about it and seems like insane stuff to worry over.

The other night I worried for a good 20 minutes about coral colored pants. Cute and refreshing or just weird? Then it's ACC season. I worry over this a lot, it's kind of like the prom to me. What if uva beats boston college, and then state beats clemson??? What will happen to my brackets?? Have I made the right assortment of dips for the final four party? It's much like worrying over which boy will call you and what dress you will wear to the "big dance".

I had a strategy of keeping a "panic notebook" by my bed, so as these worries came up, I could simply jot them down. This is what was on my list:

-Call mom (but about what?? I called her the next day and she had no idea why I was calling her, nor did I)

-Check to see if other women at the gym have cellulite on their upper arms. If they don't, check into lotions.

Clearly, this didn't help. I will say the only upside to insomnia is you do get this whole little world with a whole little pocket of time that feels sneaky. While everyone else is sleeping, you are catching up on bad reality tv, or reading, or eating things straight from the container.

It is my fate, so play on, you crazy housewives of all varieties on bravo; lose weight, you biggest losers; and by all means, keep throwing ridiculous birthday parties, you sweet-sixteeners!